Ankoring Myself

May 2005

Last week I climbed the steep stairs of the legendary angkorwat, wearing a pair of comfortable sandals (an inch high, what was I thinking?!) and sleeveless Thai shirt. In my own assessment, I looked like a fashionable gypsy who wandered way too far from “base”. That happened after ten days of smelling saltwater while watching chelsea beat those morons, the pope being buried, rainier dying and the royal family boarding a bus to the reception and practicing my Khmer (i can pass for a khmer if i stay still and not open my mouth).

I have become a football fanatic (i changed my earlier choice of manchester U to chelsea), a well-informed citizen of the world and rediscovered my swimming skills in my spare time to compensate for the increasing number of white hairs and wrinkles due to crazy "development" approaches of a.. a...never mind.

I climbed the steep stairs of angkorwat and was shaking all over when I looked down at how high I climbed. Wow, some fear of heights! My pride prevented me from succumbing to the embarrassing urge of fainting. I would've wanted to faint the town red! hahahah

Being on top is like standing on the precipice of oblivion. The building has this indescribable ‘quietness” - sounds do not echo, whispers are carried away by the Apsara carvings, footsteps are absorbed by the Khmer mantras on the thick, old walls. Maybe I imagine too much things but I get this passive-aggressive feeling within the confines of the angkorwat. It is quiet but not empty. Well, empty but I didn’t get that feeling of nothingness. Proud but unimposing. Serene and yet you feel the turbulent past screaming all over the place. I may have heard the silent screams because i share the same internal turmoil?

It isn’t as disturbing as all other historic places I’ve been. Photographs and films may have stored away its own mind, its own history, it’s own sadness, its own character. Or maybe, it has accepted its fate. Whaaa, its freaky, talking to a beautiful bunch of stones. Maybe I shouldn’t be left alone to wander. I get all self-absorbed (?) and I always feel I am so in-sync with the world that I can be sucked in by the earth and be happy forever. Blame it on the moon.