Existential Preview

At the end of third year, while I was pirouetting, doing all kinds of tasks and losing my temper at the snap of a finger, I considered it was time to go. I don’t believe in keeping a job for the sake of keeping a JOB, so when I started dreading doing what I used to love doing, I started saying my goodbyes. I told myself that if I keep such a demanding job, life will really start at forty. By then, I will surely be too grumpy and grouchy for any saints’ patience that no one would want to accompany me in “getting a life”. They thought I was bluffing and for a time, I wanted to get away as soon as possible to prove my point. But to avoid appearing a pompous plutocrat, I stayed the requisite period for them to find a replacement.

While working for a development institution has hammered in me a noble responsibility of thinking for the “less fortunate individuals” (hah! condescending) I became too emotionally involved with work, not knowing where my personal life starts and my where my work starts. For a time, I confused friend with officemate, officemate with confidante. Though this worked for a time being, and helped me through my rainy days, I woke up one day and found out that life and friends may not necessarily be synonymous with WORK. I learned that while I can have friends and develop a good relationship with officemates, I should learn to keep a decent distance for my sanity.

For a time, my disengagement syndrome was masked by the vitality of school, etc, the etc taking up more space in my journal, but at the end of the semester when it started to wane, I had the sudden urge to do things I never got to do when I started working, problem is, I never knew what they were exactly. That was when I started enrolling in all sorts of classes. I thought my senses have completely abandoned me but I woke up this morning, they’re suddenly waking me up to pick LIFE from where I left it, enjoy whatever is left of the summer. Though I had to pay a high price to gain the lost momentum and had to endure the embarrassment of missing dance steps and mispronouncing all the words, I had to pick up the lessons from the riotous maze of life. Though I can not put an adage to what I learned, I get the feeling I am finally accepting that I cannot just throw away the 17 years of good education and pretend to be somebody else and do something without any purpose, whenever I feel like it. I have to face the responsibility of creating more positive externalities, otherwise, I shan’t be able to forgive myself for sitting idly by and letting life’s course take me on . I suffering from temporary messiahnic complex, i know, i know...